Finding Sense and Sunshine

There was this conversation between two people. A man talked to a guy about everything he sees: he sees a place full of happy people; he sees how they laugh their hearts out; he sees them smiling from left to right; he sees a world of fun and fulfillment that seemed not to end; he sees angels hovering above their heads; he sees sparks flying all around; he sees them bound by something that they have in common; he sees that they already found sunshine; and on top of it all, he seemingly sees himself as part of that picture.

The guy responded to what the man said and shared everything according to his point of view: he also sees a place full of happy people; he also sees how they laugh their hearts out; he also sees them smiling from left to right; he also sees a world of fun and fulfillment that seemed not to end; he also sees angels hovering above their heads; he also sees sparks flying all around; he also sees them bound by something that they have in common; he also sees that they already found sunshine; however, the downside of it all is unlike that of the man’s, he only sees it, and he seemingly doesn’t see himself as part of the picture.

After hearing what the guy had to say, the man said, “For so long as I have lived, I can tell that I have already found sunshine.” The man then decided to ask a question–one question that he hoped the guy would answer–”How about you, when will you ever find sunshine like us?” The man patiently waited for the guy to speak. Minutes passed, but there was nothing but dead silence on the other end. Gathering all his thoughts, the guy finally replied with heavy breaths saying, “I doubt it if I ever will. My life has always been like this. Miserable. Hollow.” The man heard the evident air of sadness and emptiness surrounding the guy, and he saw a tear run down the latter’s cheek. The man felt shivers run down his spine. He felt the familiar goose bumps. But he stood firm, and only took pity at the poor guy. The man fathomed to himself, “Good thing my life’s not like his. I’m happy. I’m content. I’m fulfilled.” His mouth was uttering those words, but his heart and mind were whispering the opposite.

With a clap of thunder and a blinding flash of light, his senses shook. The man saw deeper into the soul of the individual he was conversing with. He recognized the person he was talking to. With pent up emotions, the man saw himself shedding tears like the guy did. As he stared blankly at the mirror, the man saw the guy–he saw his own reflection–and he realized that deep inside, the “guy” was himself all along. He’s just denying it, due to reasons of positivity. He wants to ward off the negative energy. But then again, he also wants to be true to himself like the guy. And that was when the man discovered the person from within him who has long been wanting to escape–escape the mask he’s been putting on for the longest time; take flight from all the pretensions; and be free from HIMSELF.

As these words inadvertently came out of my system, I saw the two persons behind it all. I saw deeper into their souls. I saw the “guy” who seemed to be feeling all sad and empty, but frank with his emotions; and I likewise saw the “man” who seemed to be projecting strong externals, denying his emotions and minimally confronting them, to avoid a breakdown. Staring blankly at the computer screen, I saw the two sides of myself in a daze. I saw my own reflection–directly, and indirectly. The “man” and the “guy” may just be “me” all the while.

I can be frank and straightforward, or I may be beating around the bush and in denial at times. I can tell the truth, and I can sometimes lie too. I may look strong outside for some, but what they don’t know is that I have weaknesses lurking from within me. The way I express my thoughts may be redundant, contradicting, and incoherent at times. Criticize all you want, yadda yadda…I respect that you’re just being constructive, but I reckon that you should look at yourselves first. Like what the heck! All these things I’m posting about…these are all part of me being human. I’m no bipolar, nor a person with a split personality. I play by different moods. I have my inconsistencies. This is what makes me who I am. This is me. The least that they, or you could do is to deal with it. But wait, hear my side and you’ll know that I’m doing my part. I’m trying to strengthen those inconsistencies–polishing and rebuilding myself time and time again–trying to make myself better, and make everything work.

My life’s an open-ended book, and so as yours too. It has a beginning, but it has no end. Even in the afterlife, the pages of our books still go on…there’s still “life” in “afterlife” after all, right? And the rest is still unwritten in these books of ours. So the golden lesson of it all is for us not to be afraid. Let’s continue to write the pages of our lives. In the end (that will never come), we’ll reap the greatest benefit of discovering ourselves.

Maybe now you have a hint that I’m already see-sawing through this post. So before I get all repetitive, here’s a reality check: I just proved to myself that I am human, still being the same old me who tries to improve as each day comes and goes, and that all my systems are functioning properly–Thank God I’m still alive!

Tomorrow’s the last day of 2008. Thank you Lord for the many opportunities of self-discovery during the entire 366 days! I came to know myself even better. Thank you for a great year. I had such a blast. Now here’s to hoping for a 2009 full of sense and sunshine! Happy New Year, and God Bless everyone!

To all my loved ones and dearest readers, mahal ko kayong lahat, and thanks for being part of this crazy and ongoing personal journey of finding sense and sunshine. Hope you find/found yours too! Stay true! Happy Hunting!